Is anyone else getting the impression that we’ve heard this story before?
The media loves headlines about a Taylor Swift engagement almost as much as it loves making assumptions regarding Gaylor. Evidence of such appears every 2.5 months as yet another “report” that Swift and boyfriend/fiancé Joe Alwyn are discreetly committed.
According to a new report in The Sun, the burgeoning British actor proposed months ago, but only the happy couple’s inner circle is aware of the news. “Basically, immediate family and trusted very old friends,” the source explained. “Everyone has been sworn to secrecy as well.” Uh, huh.
If that’s the case, I applaud these people’s silence. If I got engaged unexpectedly, my mother would make sure that every Kroger employee in the tristate area not only got the scoop but also saw a picture of the metaphorical sparkler. Speaking of rocks, it appears that Ms. Swift only wears her “beautiful ring” in private. Again, if correct, I cannot relate! How beautiful can it be if high school girls can’t get over it?
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Notably, the report probably lacks details on any upcoming nuptials, as only a “handful” of people have been informed about them, and some of her team is unaware of the engagement. That, my friends, is the only part of The Sun’s story that makes sense. You can’t trust anyone not to steal your 17-year-old self’s Pinterest ideas. How else can you explain the 2016 rise of mason jars?
Swift and Alwyn have been together for six years and were most likely confused with brother and sister during that time. Alwyn, like those who came before him, has been the subject of many of Swift’s songs—some of her best, in my opinion—and he’s even been known to have collaborated on a few. Despite years of speculation, the Conversations With Friends actor has remained frustratingly tight-lipped—so much so that one would think he enjoys it.
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“If I had a pound for every time I think I’ve been told I’m engaged, I’d have a lot of pound coins,” he joked in a recent Wall Street Journal interview. “I mean, if the answer was yes, I wouldn’t say anything, and if the answer was no, I wouldn’t say anything.”
“We live in a culture where people expect a lot,” Alwyn added. While I agree, I also believe that when everything else in the news makes me want to die, the least our elites can do is confirm a f*cking engagement.
- In an interview with Barstool’s Dave Portnoy this week, Olivia O’Brien admitted that Pete Davidson dumped her via text message—a claim that Davidson had already denied. The only thing that bothers me more than another hot girl being linked to Mr. Kim Kardashian is mildly famous people agreeing to interviews with Barstool and its many brands.
